The bigger picture

When looking at the bigger picture in life I'm always told to keep around the people that don't pull you down... Who are positive influences in your life & who you can always trust. But life is a funny thing and you have so many different aspects to fill that its not always possible to only have positive and up lifting people within your life. People change, you change, life shifts, different priorities become just different. The world is an ever changing place - and so is life. 

When I first joined the company that I work for at the moment - I loved it. Great people around me - not all of them... But the number of people that I liked working with out weighed the number of people I didn't like and I thought were negative. Now with the changes that the economy is throwing at us - people are going and I feel l've been left with more negative then positive people within the work place. Its a strange thing that I can't just get up and walk away and start off fresh... As it has turned out there isn't a lot of options out there for work at the moment & I've been forced to deal with the reality of "sucking it up". That is until something better comes along - then I can give them the bird and leave. Ok so I wouldn't give them the bird but I would leave if a better opportunity came knocking on my door... Or my shoulders! 

The "sucking it up" thing has proven to be a lot more difficult then firstly though. Getting back from the Christmas holiday break I thought being out of the office for 3 weeks would do me the world of good. Yet while it did me the world of good not to be in the office - going back wasn't any easier. It proved a hard task & something that I struggled with for a few weeks to be honest. 

While I know that I'm lucky to have a job - a job that pays my bills and lets me save. I'm not feeling the lucky side of things when I walk through those doors most days. I feel the nagging sensation that there is a knife in my back & its being twisted with each step that I happen to be taking. From the time I walk in to the time I leave - its friggen painful. That knife I can feel is going deeper and deeper in & I feel its making me scare and be a different person. But once again I have to suck it up until something else comes knocking at my door. 

Then there are the friends thing - we are told from an early age that we should befriend with the people that are honest with us - that are kind and that show a good heart. Friends change as well... Or maybe its you that changes and they change in a different direction. I've been faced with the reality over the last week that I would prefer to avoid one of my closest friends then see her at the moment. Its not that I hate her - or think that she is a horrible person. I think we have both changed. But the difference between this change and the change with work - I feel this one is worth fighting for. Yet I don't seem to actually know how. I understand that I have changed... And I understand that she has changed... Yet I don't know how to get back to the core of our friendship like it used to be. And that's what Im left here contemplating at the moment... Even though I don't think she is the most positive person in my life like she used to be - I know she's not doing it on purpose to hurt me... I actually don't think she know's that she's doing it at all! 

I know that she is usually a positive person and someone that knows me so well. I just really need to find my way back to my best friend & being the people that we used to be. Instead of being someone that happens to be shut off and have a brick wall around me. 

Life is a strange thing to me - and one that does surprise me on usually a daily basis. Or maybe its just my life and how I see I've changed that I feel is a strange and surprising thing. But for the first time in many many years I see a future that I want and a life that I want & nothing is stopping me to get in the way any more. Even if that mean's I have to suck it up at work and take it on the chin every day until I find something that isn't so bad. And also if that means fighting for my best friend even though she hasnt been lost - its just not the same. 

J